[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
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My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst