[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
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Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”