*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
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The French cow says MEUX…
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
*aggressively waits in line*
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.