*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
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After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Meow
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me