*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
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Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”