@

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

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@YSylon

Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what

@NickBossRoss

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

@HelmdawgE

If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.

@_elvishpresley_

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn

@jackiembouvier

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

@oPinotNated

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

@WheelTod

If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.

@wildethingy

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

@crunchenhanced

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword