Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
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A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Me: What’s wrong?
Me: Grabs shield and sword