*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

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Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what


A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.


If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.


[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn


I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.


I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars


If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.


I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.


Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword