*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
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“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
The internet is magic sometimes.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
The happy life.. 😊
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*