*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
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The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine