Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.

He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right

Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.

Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.

Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.

No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong

People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*