[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
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If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Cheer up.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars