*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
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[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.