[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
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I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
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Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much