*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
You Might Also Like
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
giddy up Office Depot
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.