[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
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Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.