[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
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7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
A roof is a house hat.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.