[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
You Might Also Like
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*