*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
You Might Also Like
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
wtf management?!
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time