*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
You Might Also Like
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Just why bro?!
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Why am I like this?
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is