*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
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Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
*seductively corrects your posture*
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.