*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
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Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
British people be like I’m Bri ish
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore