Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
You Might Also Like
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Finally a use for spoilers…
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Rather alarming headline…
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy