Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
You Might Also Like
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
set yourself free xox
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.