Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
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wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
#Thanos #MondayMood