Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
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As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Isn’t
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
❤️❤️❤️
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham