Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
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‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Life is a suicide mission.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
waiting for halloween be like:
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.