*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
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You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10