Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
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please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]