Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
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I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato