[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
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I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.