Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
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When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
All is fair in drunk and war.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”