[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
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Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
the council will decide your fate
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.