walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
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Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
SF is the wild wild west man
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken