me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
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Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome