Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

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me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked


[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL


whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person


Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.


Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.


Cop: Why are you speeding?

Me: I’m super late for work

Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down

Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work


This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.


I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome