Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
You Might Also Like
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I want what they have
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
😂💯
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00