Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

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Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.


Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE


The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.


If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.


One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves


My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?


Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.


Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”


Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?


What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.