Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
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How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.