@badbanana

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

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@lucifermrningst

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

@yoyoha

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

@Anniewritess

The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.

@5hael

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

@meantomyself

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves

@FSUSteve

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

@mellimelle

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

@Shariv67

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

@epsn_cmolinar

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

@Aspersioncast

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.