Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
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BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy