Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
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This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot