grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
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If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
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“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
IN: Please say something.