@noog

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

You Might Also Like

@hardasamother

coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!

me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!

@Jandalize

Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?

@StyloDad

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

@3sunzzz

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

@jonnysun

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)

@sarcasticmommy4

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

@KattsDogma

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

@rebrafsim

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate