Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

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Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.


Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.


“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.


People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.


A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.


My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?


“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it


My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.


Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.