@noog

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

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@abhorrent_wife

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

@TheTweetOfGod

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.

@DannyZuker

“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.

@BucMarvin

People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.

@JermHimselfish

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

@Tbone7219

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

@MelvinofYork

“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it

@WilliamAder

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

@lucifermrningst

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.