Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
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[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.