walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
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I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
This is hilarious….
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.