walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
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*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.