Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
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Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
When you kidnap a writer.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.