Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
You Might Also Like
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I was just discussing this with my cat
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
What even happened today?
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”