Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
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me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
A friend helps you before you need it
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
You are what you delete.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*