Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
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I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
“OMGJK” -atheists
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating