Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
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[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??