Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
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Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
technically true but not a great slogan
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Software Development ⛵️
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.