Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
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If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
🙋♀️
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force