@AnniemuMary

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

You Might Also Like

@dmc1138

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

@roxiqt

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

@KeetPotato

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

@theshantilly

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

@CornOnTheGoblin

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

@ramblinma

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

@IfIwassomething

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.