Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

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When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.


DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]


ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”


Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.


good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me


Me: I need to make better life choices.



Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.