Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
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‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
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*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized