Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
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The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
When the stylist spins you back around
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
#StillHurts
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.