[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

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Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?


*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*

Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!


Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.


It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.


My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.


Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.


I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*


If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?


Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon


I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.