[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
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*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks