Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
You Might Also Like
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator