Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
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When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
*puts cutlery down*
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today