Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
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My neck my back my allergy attack
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*