Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

me: sweet chainmail

knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument

YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”

Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

Good advice.

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.