Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
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I’m a carb girl, born and bread
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
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“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
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*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Good advice.
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I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.