Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
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My neck my back my allergy attack
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
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My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*