[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
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Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
This makes total sense…
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?